my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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