What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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