I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
