I wanna bring you to show and tell
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
