fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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