It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
