My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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