Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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