I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
