i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
