I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
