The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
