And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
