i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
