My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
