and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
