She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
