I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
