im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
