apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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