the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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