Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
