So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
