I accidentally had phone sex last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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