I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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