some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize