i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
