I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
whose parrot is this?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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