I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
BRING THE BAGELS
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
