I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
