I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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