My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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