Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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