Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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