Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
