Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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