Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
