She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
