so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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