I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
