After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All the doctor said was why
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
