I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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