I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
