I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
