when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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