Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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