Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
