Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
