My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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