there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
