can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
