i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
