in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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