If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize