We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
