i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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