Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
