I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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