I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
